On Eating Treif

On Eating Treif

Big Breaking News:man eats cheeseburgerWhenever I hear that someone just had their first treif cheeseburger, I feel an otherworldly joy overtake me. That, my friends, is cause to celebrate human triumph. I feel, in a word, inspired. I immediately drop what I am doing and run to find the brave person to congratulate that soul. I push my way through the crowds to shake his hand and kiss his sacred toes and embrace him till the guards pry me away. Some of the people on those toes have worked years, decades, lifetimes to get to this great moment of cheeseburger consumption. This isn’t simply EATING. Ack, no way. It happens only after years and years of miserably only eating hisachdus, that they say to themselves and all their Facebook friends “fuck the fanatiks, eating ch/burger” and they post a front-camera selfie in which their nose looks like a beak. Ninety six people hit like on the beak and one person writes “where’s the luv button?”

So the spirit goes viral.

Think about it: my heroes go through hell and high water and the Mcdonald’s drivethru and shell out a small fortune (indeed very small, ninety nine cents or a dollar with one cent back) to achieve this moment of triumph over human fanaticism. Eating the cheeseburger is symbolic of complete liberation from the shackles of religion. It takes so much inner strength to bite the bullet, er, the bread. It is proof of evolution, of inevitable progress of man that we are able to overcome all wrappings and get to the crux of the sandwich. Which proves that evolution is true. There, now you believe me about the dinosaurs. My side wins.

Listen, those are brave men and women who hold in their heart the fat of the burger instead of the shnitzel. They are heroes who pave the path to enlightenment and gastric bypass. I often hear people reminiscing about this first cheeseburger and I think, wow. Toes, can I kiss those toes? How freeing that is… not the toes, the cheeseburger… Yeah, the cheeseburger, it’s like wings, only a little more filling so it pulls you down instead of up. You eat it and the French Revolution, the Arab Revolution the Syrian uprising would not have gone awry. You should try it – with pickles and pigs and squids and octopuses and a baby calf stewing in its mothers milk between the second and third bun. But then again, you’re just a regular coward so what am I saying here? Keep your toes to yourself.

Cheeseburgers Anonymous, The Cheeseburger Society on Facebook, the Openly Cheeseburger Society on Facebook and the Fucking Openly Cheeseburger Society of Facebook are all societies that come together to support each other in the effort of heroic liberation by breaking the taboo. It meets at McDonald’s monthly and a lively and impassioned fight take place over the free prizes that come with the meal. They all have that fight in them, the revolutionary, you know? Christopher Hitchens would have said this is proof that there are no atheists in the bagel-holes because they’re in the buns. (Bagels are so Jewish, feh!) The only reason he didn’t say it is because either his mouth was full of cheeseburger or he’s dead, I forget which one. But the wisdom he was gonna relay is so powerful and genius anyway. Wow, think about his brilliance! I miss him.

When you break out of a religion, the point is to break. That’s the point, and that’s what takes courage. Don’t show me wusses who just slide out a little this way or that way and don’t eat cheeseburgers. Show me a moment in history. Show me a real all-the-way pigs-on-yom-kippur-with-a-side-of-orgies moment of courage. People who hold on to some religion and don’t bite the bun are not the real deal, so they better not expect the Nobel Peace Prize or McDonald’s Free Prize with stolen ketchup packets.

At the Annual Ball for the Cheeseburger Heroes, the speakers, one by one, all relay their first cheeseburger experience, while the people in the audience chew on cheeseburgers and look very bored because darn it if just one person would spare a little detail of that “first” McDonalds and how they were hiding from everyone and thought that now the world will end etcetera etcetera. After each speech the people tap the speaker on the shoulder and they say “You are so courageous” and afterwards they all go home to write their memoir.

[Editor’s note: Oooooooooh.]

[Additional editor’s note, surprisingly necessary judging from some comments: This post is sarcasm. Look it up, guys! If you’re feeling especially sanctimonious today then this goes doubly for you. Jeez.]

  • Yoelish
    Posted at 03:33h, 18 October Reply

    Was the cartoon inspired enticipating the book My First Cheesburger? Was it published already?

  • Leo
    Posted at 08:11h, 18 October Reply

    But aren’t cheeseburgers Treif?!

  • Frimet Goldberger
    Posted at 08:36h, 18 October Reply

    The sarcasm! Oh, the sarcasm. I’m coming over to kiss your toes, you funny, funny girl!

  • Shragi Getzel
    Posted at 10:45h, 18 October Reply

    The nerve! You’re making fun of a holy tradition, tsk tsk.

  • BJ Kramer
    Posted at 12:04h, 18 October Reply

    Yeah, it’s a pretty big deal for those involved. Here’s my story, for your entertainment: http://vimeo.com/33852677

  • yakov even
    Posted at 13:57h, 18 October Reply

    How are describing myself with out even knowing me?!… Kidding.
    Anyway, great job, and to the point!

  • kave
    Posted at 10:15h, 19 October Reply

    When you make fun of Hasidic life-style, mostly nonsense, I love when you do that.
    You grew up there, and you know the crap well. You are a victim of terror in the name of G-D. So am I.
    However, GD’s will of not eating Cheeseburger is something fundamental, as long you belive in what the Jewish people believe, the Torah.
    I’m just questioning your words “It happens only after years and years of miserably only eating hisachdus”. – even OU eaters may not taste Cheeseburger.
    Ever since I encounter your writing, I read them all as a fan of someone who find her way out, step be step.
    However, you are now declaring yourself being a real OTD, not caring anymore what the Creator of the world realy wants from you (in truth – almost nothing), perhaps, you don’t even see Him as the creator at all.
    I am not waiting for an answer like “On God”, I do want to know if I got the real “On You”.
    Shabat Shalom

  • yakov even
    Posted at 10:47h, 19 October Reply

    Kave, its look like your view on totally OTD people is, that they for any reason ‘decided’ to accept that the abject called

  • kave
    Posted at 11:45h, 19 October Reply

    Dear Yakov,
    You missed my statement “[or] you don

    • yakov even
      Posted at 12:08h, 19 October Reply

      About ???? ????, read the comments,
      And I’m taking action in life also…. its not just writing in blog.

  • kave
    Posted at 12:15h, 19 October Reply

    Not the place to chat. – Friada will get mad.
    I will look again for the comments.
    Whatever you do, so it only to improve your life!
    I try to understand your trauma, as written on your blog that you where brought up in a fake-frum home.
    Enjoy. Git Shabbos

  • Baal Devarim
    Posted at 12:44h, 19 October Reply

    Kave, your sarcasm meter is very badly broken. I don’t even think it’s fixable. Maybe get a new one?

  • Lex Luthor
    Posted at 14:00h, 19 October Reply

    Kave –
    It seems like you see everything in black and white. Frieda has to have a clearly defined status or you are confused. You can’t read the rest of Yakov’s story because you got stuck on his translation of Adon Olam. And you miss the sarcasm in this brilliantly written post. But for us humans there is no black and there is no white, so ease up a little. It will do you well.

  • mordechai
    Posted at 22:15h, 20 October Reply

    i stumbeld on this page, and it really hurts to read it, its obvious that you had some bad experiences in your past and attributed it to yiddishkite, there is problems in every society and also in the Jewish community, especially after the long exile we went trough in the last 2000 years,
    its true that some people use yiddiskite to express there own bad nature, but that happens in every culture, the problem is that it creates problem because people who suffer can associate it with god and his Torah, and get angry on yiddishkite as a whole,
    let me tell you this, the Torah is a present, and the more you understand the more you see it, the nations of the world have tried in the last 2000 years to tear us away from our heritage, and they partly succeeded, we are now toward the end of are exile, please Frieda dont fall away at the last minute, your grand parents gave up their life for their emuna, and they sit in haven and cry when their grand child is openly laughing from god”s Torah,
    please Frieda accept my words positivly, gos knows what you went trough, he still loves you and is waiting for you to return to him, there is all kind of Jewish community’s, why not choose the one that you like, and return to the ways of your heritage, Frieda come back to your creater, one day you will understand more and appreciate more of his ways, come back and build your home on the real foundations of your heritage, and you will see you will be happy and god will be with you, and then you can use your talents and intelect to help that other should not suffer what you suffered,

    • Shragi Getzel
      Posted at 22:57h, 20 October Reply

      Really Mordechai?
      You’re a little late for class, do your homework first before you speak up in class.

  • itzy
    Posted at 10:16h, 21 October Reply

    Dear Frieda
    It’s shocking how far you went.
    If in your beginning you used to blame the Hasidic life-style.
    now you took a step of joking of GD Himself. I feel devastated.
    don’t you feel any Hakores Hatov for the One above who took you out from Monroe…?

  • BLT
    Posted at 11:36h, 21 October Reply

    The One Above didn’t do shit for our hostess, or those stuck behind.

  • the runaway god
    Posted at 09:49h, 22 October Reply

    behind this wonderful article i see dismissal and a hint of anger towards others who still struggle with their believes especially with the ones who don’t give much of a chance about god existence but still haven’t done the cheeseburger ceremony…
    you should understand better that some of these people may have various reasons (besides being a coward) for keeping the faith to some level even just as a tradition….

  • moshe
    Posted at 12:04h, 22 October Reply


  • yakov even
    Posted at 12:19h, 22 October Reply

    Oh really… don’t worry she is picking up a new group of fans… and I think she like us more…..

  • Shpitzle/Frieda
    Posted at 20:15h, 22 October Reply

    I got some emails from people about this post. It seems some completely missed the sarcasm (sarcasm is a type of humor– it’s when you exaggerate things and say somethig you don’t really mean). Im not sure how you can miss it! As I attempt to explore topics and make a little fun of things I like to be understood. It’s frustrating when the humor is lost on readers. I suppose there’s always a question of how much fun you can have with it before it goes over the head, right?
    I really don’t understand how you can read this and think it’s meant seriously. Just trying to read it as such and it comes off as the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read.

  • Shragi Getzel
    Posted at 20:26h, 22 October Reply

    I was under the impression that this blog is written in English because it’s intended for an English speaking/reading audience. If that’s the case, why bother explaining yourself? It’s like explaining a joke, it ruins it.
    Please keep up the good work.

  • Kevin
    Posted at 23:56h, 22 October Reply

    Thanks for clarifying Shpitzle,must admit I was taken aback myself at first. Keep it up you have talent!

  • Oy God!
    Posted at 12:04h, 23 October Reply

    oh yea this article surely sarcastic… soooo well written.
    thanks for sharing your talent

  • moshe moshel
    Posted at 00:59h, 24 October Reply

    I was taken aback when I first read this piece and am glad I witheld judgement until you put the disclaimer at the bottom.

  • S.
    Posted at 18:32h, 25 October Reply

    Nu? Where’s the next one?

  • Dan Cliver
    Posted at 06:34h, 30 June Reply

    Sarcastic my foot. With sarcasm comes a dosage of true belief.

  • anon
    Posted at 02:14h, 08 July Reply

    After many many years of studying of ancient comparative religion, the sciences and archeology I began to realize OJ was not true. My first break was occasionally not wearing a yarmulka and not going to shul as often. This was followed by listening to a radio on Shabbos. Eventually I got the courage to eat a ham sandwich. I later found out I was allergic to cow meat but not pig meat ! Throw off the shackles of the nonsense that is OJ.

  • Shlomo Lakewood
    Posted at 13:43h, 01 March Reply

    Thank you for writing this. I was actually on the way off the Derech and slowly slipping in my Yiddishkiet. After reading this (including the part that says it was all sarcastic), I have made a decision to go back to Yeshiva. I have never gotten so nauseous reading something in my life. After 120 Freida you will at least get some Schar because of me.
    Its a shame to see how low somone can go and make fun of our Torah like that. And I thank Hashem for enlightening me to read this and see how I looked form the outside.

Post A Comment