Kids’ cards: the absolute worst matchmaker

Kids’ cards: the absolute worst matchmaker

There is a series of Hasidic collectors’ cards called “Taryag,” which means 613. They are cards that illustrates the 613 commandments of the Torah. This is all good and well, but the commandments do get a little above G rated. So some illustrations are rather absurd.

I bought a few packs of these and just to my luck, they were all on the theme of coupling laws. When I first looked through them I was in stitches.

It begins with us meeting an absolutely horrible, unequivocally bad matchmaker, Yekish. A bus stop ad reads, “For the best advice and matchmaking, call Yekish.

“Introduction to the Commandments 188-211”

Yekish is a rather aggressive yenta, and he runs around town proposing very unusual matches. All of them are in violation of different commandments.

Here he suggests to a fellow traveler at the bus booth: “Your step granddaughter has a sister who is looking for a match. Do you want to marry her?”

“Commandment: Do not marry the daughter of the wife’s daughter (stepdaughter)”

Here he calls someone up and suggests that the fellow marry Gitl. Gitl is the poor man’s sister!

“Commandment: Do not marry your sister”

Now he crashes a funeral and talks up a match to the fresh widower: How about you marry your granddaughter?

“Commandment: Do not marry your daughter’s daughter”

Normal stuff!

Well, we intercept Yekish. A substitute matchmaker is in a desert. He proposes the man in the brown robe marry the man in the green robe. The plot twist is this: The two men are father and son! Furthermore, the matchmaker is offering a box of pure gems in exchange for the match. Truly, grist for soap operas.

“Commandment: Do not marry your father.”

Now back to Yekish. He comes by with a goat and asks if it might make a suitable wife. That one falls through as well.

“Commandment: Do not marry an animal”

At last, we see a successful match. A wedding! Music! The trick was to suggest an insane match to the right person: the town heretic. Their name is even “Family Heretics.” This poor wretch, Mr. Heretic, agreed to marry his own mother! If he paid matchmaker’s fees for this, he really got ripped off.

“Commandment: Do not marry your mother”

Meanwhile, pious Jews protest outside the wedding. Their placards read, “Against the Torah!” and “Get out of here!”

Imagine what little Hasidic kids who collect these cards think of life outside the fold: all awful dating options. Truly.


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1 Comment
  • Dooet
    Posted at 04:57h, 04 February Reply

    The Torah actually intended to do some sex ed, though dated.
    Nobody here to derivate anything helpful from it.

    Let me cite my favorite story from Gittin 57b, which clearly implies that there used to be much healthier sex ed for kids than today.

    מעשה בד’ מאות ילדים וילדות שנשבו לקלון [ילדים למשכב זכור וילדות לפלגשים], הרגישו בעצמן למה הן מתבקשים, אמרו: אם אנו טובעין בים אנו באין לחיי העולם הבא? דרש להן הגדול שבהן: “אמר ה’ מבשן אשיב אשיב ממצולות ים” “מבשן אשיב” [בשן – בין שן נוטריקון] – מבין שיני אריה, “אשיב ממצולות ים” – אלו שטובעין בים. כיון ששמעו ילדות כך, קפצו כולן ונפלו לתוך הים. נשאו ילדים קל וחומר בעצמן ואמרו: מה הללו שדרכן לכך [לתשמיש ואין קלונן מרובה כקלון שלנו] – כך אנו, שאין דרכנו לכך – על אחת כמה וכמה. אף הם קפצו לתוך הים. ועליהם הכתוב אומר “כי עליך הורגנו כל היום נחשבנו כצאן טבחה”.

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