Jul 312014

I often compare my Hasidic childhood in Kiryas Joel to the Rockettes. Yes, those gorgeous 6 feet girls who perform on Broadway and dance and kick in perfect unison — yes, them. That’s how I remember it felt.

Let me explain.

Life in Kiryas Joel was many things; it was filled with female friendships, family, tradition, and constant stability. But when I try to articulate what affected me most in Kiryas Joel, I think about its discipline among women. It was like I was thrown onto the stage with these dancers. Kiryas Joel’s female population mastered perfect execution of societal choreography, self constraint, unity. We all didn’t look like these Rockettes below (or above), true, but all of my friends seemed to embody the same skill.

My all-girls classes were filled with well-groomed students ready to stand under the stage’s bright lights; to perform; to be perfect. The Hasidic community was the audience, they were all watching, the yentas and neighbors were eager to applaud or critique, and all we girls had to do was behave as we were taught. Everyone had the right postures, moved with beautiful precision, knew intuitively how to earn the approval of the crowd. They were not only modest; they were also as ‘spast, as was appropriate, and they were always “normal”, a standard that required execution of an indefinite number of rules. They could read social cues effortlessly and know without instructions what was right or wrong.

And then there was me. I was dancing with these Jewish Rockettes too, only I had no talent for it. I tried to dance; I more like bobbed; wobbled; flapped and yipped. I was as if short legged and clumsy, always absent minded and anything but a group person. I did not fit the costume at all and was an eyesore in the Hasidic girl’s uniform. As a younger kid my thick blue tights often trailed out of my shoe in a giant tail so I spent half the day tugging the stocking’s waistline up to my buttocks. People said my hair was never brushed but I didn’t know how they knew or why it mattered, and my pleated skirt was more puffy creases than pleats. No matter how hard I tried to be a Rockette, disheveled tombody I was, a Rockette I wasn’t. In this performance of religious behavior, my legs would never extend to the right length, my body would not deliver the right symmetrical movement, and my face couldn’t hold itself together with the perfect controlled smile. I was always forgetting what I was supposed to do, improvising, getting it right, getting it wrong, being weird, being silly, crying in public, laughing in public, doing things that didn’t belong on the Spectacular, raising eyebrows from the crowd, wanting to run off the stage.

I got suspended from school three times for being wild, behavior that was extremely shameful among mature girls. I was constantly in trouble. Every good or mediocre episode was a rare victory – a good report card, a pious prayer – and it was soon followed by a disaster; an inappropriate comment, troublemaking in class, just being scatterbrained.

I was always a sensitive soul and I internalized all of the criticism and let it eat at me. I spent much of my youth wishing I was like the others who were dazzling the crowd – good girls; great modest, help-at-home, mature girls – full of hope for their futures, making their mothers proud. I remember many, many nights in bed, curled up in my orange Spitzer’s nightgown, just hating myself. All I wished for was to stop being me.

My teachers, my parents, the neighbors, everyone cheered for my friends and sisters. “Spectacular!” they applauded. “Perfect! What fine, b’chaynt girls.What a joy to watch them!” and to me they’d offer encouragement: “Be like that! Do that! Follow the script! You can also be a fine Rockette!”

I wanted to be a Rockette. I wanted it so badly; I believed I could be like the others if only I tried hard enough. I kept promising myself to try. I would control myself, I would be good. I would make my mother proud. She would be so proud. She would cry naches tears and then my world would shine. I saw my mother among this audience as she watched me, I heard her pray at dawn and I knew she davened for me to improve, I saw her hopefulness that I’d get it right, then her disappointment when I acted “crazy” or “not normal” and everyone judged me. I was often upset with myself, but never as much as when I sensed the disappointment of my sweet mother who prayed every day for things to go more smoothly for me.

I often wondered why I couldn’t get it right. As I walked Forest Road to the Shopping Center, I remember trying to figure out: what’s wrong with me? Why am I so weird? Why do I break out into a sudden skip, almost as if I was overtaken by a tick, while walking in the street, when I was already a kallah meidel, big and grown up, and should be “normal?” Why did I laugh to myself or sing to myself or talk to myself while normal people just kept it together, even faced? What was wrong? I knew that no one would ever hurt me and tell me if I was somehow born with a disability that made me so terrible at what I needed to do, so I had no way of knowing what the problem was. But it was clear to me that there was something wrong. Everyone was so amazing. Whatever was wrong

Jul 032014

The Senate unanimously signed a bill today making it a requirement for all bathtub manufacturers to attach a product warning to caution users not to throw away the baby with the bathwater. The bill passed the House late last week and is now on the President’s desk. Obama made it clear that he will sign the bill into law immediately and that there will be no revisions to the bill language to ensure that there is no delay.

baby bathwater

The urgent appeal for this new mandate was brought to Washington’s attention after many years of human rights lobbying to stop the tragic incidents of babies being thrown out together with bathwater. “There are unfortunately lazy folk” said the author of the bill, Senator Richard DeMint, in an exclusive conversation with Oy Vey Cartoons, “they empty the tub and with it the baby and they continue to use the tub for the next baby, etcetera. Americans can no longer ignore this waste. I am proud that we were able to come together today in a bipartisan vote on this important issue that concerns the wellbeing and prosperity of this great country. I promised the people from my state that I will eradicate this practice. Today, I delivered to the people of Minnesota.”

The exceptionally quick turnaround on this law was prompted by the tragedy last week in Brooklyn, NY, when a woman was arrested for throwing out her baby with the bathwater. The call came to the 91st precinct of the NYC police from an unsuspecting neighbor, Mrs. Blumenkrantzenholzenburgenboym, who was on her way to the wig maker when she noticed her neighbor Sury Green, age 32, emptying her tub and her baby in her backyard and then leaving the premises. “I looked out from my snood,” said a visibly shaken Mrs. Blumenkrantzenholzenburgenboym, “and saw that poor baby lying there in the dumps! I was horrified and called 911! Thank God the cops came and took matters under control immediately!”

Sury Green is held in solitary confinement in the La Guardian Penitentiary with no bail, and is said to have her first hearing next week. Our telephone calls to her cell were not returned. In a call to her lawyer Mordy Greenblatt, Greenblatt confirmed the charges of second degree manslaughter and said that Sury will plead not guilty because she does not have a baby or a bathtub.

Senator DeMint contacted the family last week as the new broke to express his condolences and to promise to move forward with legislation to ban this practice. He flew in for a private meeting with Mrs. Blumenkrantzenholzenburgenboym where he listened to her first-hand account of the tragedy and gathered the information necessary to formulate the bill.

As the two left the meeting they stood for photo ops and then spoke a few words to the gathering crowd. “May God save the babies,” said DeMint, as he entered his limo with eyes red from obvious crying. “And may God bless America.”


Reporting by: Frieda Vizel/Bathtub, NY. Hand me a towel, someone!