On Sex

 Posted by on August 19, 2012
Aug 192012

A man complaining to his analyst that his mother lied to him about ex-chasidim having lots of sex

One of the most unfortunate bits of misinformation among Hasidim is that ex-Hasidim live a life filled with sex, sex and more sex. This is seen as proof of the emptiness and lawlessness of the life on the outside. It is probably also a part figment of the lusty imagination of the pious who are sexually repressed. All in all, Chasidim seem to strongly believe that ex-chasidim are shacking it up and living it up all the time.

I hate to shatter these important reputations of sexual prowess among the ex-Hasidic, but for educational purposes (sex-education, to be precise), I must clarify that it isn’t so simple. Sin does not come so easy; one must work hard at it, and often utterly fail. Ex-Hasidim often struggle with many adjustment challenges after leaving a community in which there is hardly any interaction with the opposite sex and very little in the way of healthy ideas of sexuality. Many of us struggle to communicate in socially acceptable ways, women have to learn to feel comfortable in their bodies sans modest covering and men grapple to figure out the boundaries between machoism and sexism.

Oh, those internet lurkers and nuisances who will tell you that all who leave frumkeit simply want sex. What dirty, convoluted imaginations they have, an idea of an outside world more sinful than anything reality offers. Their minds; oh, so despicable, trashy, grotesque. One should never leave their religious frame of mind to adopt theirs. Chulila!

On invading Space

 Posted by on August 16, 2012
Aug 162012

A Martian tells the Curiosity rover, Hey lady I need my space

Mind you, not only long-eared Martians need space. Venusians too – I can tell you from my own substantiated experiments – have a need for space. All people need space as much as they need companionship. We’re as much social beings as we’re individualistic — the people and private specie. I find people I know tend to confuse space for loneliness. They think that if you are alone, if are without someone to share every minute of your life with, every grocery list and laundry load and ***** *****, you must be lonely. If you are not married, not in a relationship, then you are lonely. You should scramble for a shidduch or send out for a mail order bride or import a Martian, just don’t get lonely. Sometimes I have been extended much unwarranted sympathy by friends who have been betrothed for many years, the implication of their sympathy being “you must suffer such tormented nights if you don’t wake up every morning to an extra pair of dirty socks on the floor”. Which I do, but I hate pity. And besides, that’s not loneliness. Loneliness can exist even when we are in a crowd of thousands, in a family of a dozen, in a marriage of three. Loneliness is not about how few people are in your life, but how few people accept you, love you and are able to appreciate you for who you are.

But I digress. What is happening to invading space is all good romance; Curiosity landed on Mars last week, making it the most optimistic and exciting world event in the summer. We’re experiencing the making of history as humans continue to conquer and prize space.